Eagle-eye super sleuth M. called Featureprice (sucks)’s tech support number today and discovered that instead of three minutes of belittling “customers suck” rant, it’s now a slender 60 seconds of “please”.
Damn, I knew I should have recorded the old one while I had the chance.
Hub woke up feeling lousy this morning. Now the one year old is barfing and crapping everywhere, and I don’t feel so well myself.
URGENT ASSISTANCE – FROM USA
IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
From: George Walker Bush
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Dear Sir / Madam,
I Am George Walker Bush, Son Of The Former President Of The United
States Of America George Herbert Walker Bush, And Currently Serving As
President Of The United States Of America. This Letter Might Surprise
You Because We Have Not Met Neither In Person Nor By Correspondence.
I
Came To Know Of You In My Search For A Reliable And Reputable Person
To
Handle A Very Confidential Business Transaction, Which Involves The
Transfer Of A Huge Sum Of Money To An Account Requiring Maximum
Confidence.
I Am Writing You In Absolute Confidence Primarily To Seek Your
Assistance In Acquiring Oil Funds That Are Presently Trapped In The
Republic Of Iraq. My Partners And I Solicit Your Assistance In
Completing A Transaction Begun By My Father, Who Has Long Been
Actively
Engaged In The Extraction Of Petroleum In The United States Of
America,
And Bravely Served His Country As Director Of The United States
Central
Intelligence Agency.
In The Decade Of The Nineteen-Eighties, My Father, Then Vice-President
Of The United States Of America, Sought To Work With The Good Offices
Of
The President Of The Republic Of Iraq To Regain Lost Oil Revenue
Sources
In The Neighboring Islamic Republic Of Iran. This Unsuccessful
Venture
Was Soon Followed By A Falling-Out With His Iraqi Partner, Who Sought
To
Acquire Additional Oil Revenue Sources In The Neighboring Emirate Of
Kuwait, A Wholly-Owned U.S.-British Subsidiary.
My Father Re-Secured The Petroleum Assets Of Kuwait In 1991 At A Cost
Of
Sixty-One Billion U.S. Dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out Of That Cost,
Thirty-Six Billion Dollars ($36,000,000,000) Were Supplied By His
Partners In The Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia And Other Persian Gulf
Monarchies, And Sixteen Billion Dollars ($16,000,000,000) By German
And
Japanese Partners. But My Father’s Former Iraqi Business Partner
Remained In Control Of The Republic Of Iraq And Its Petroleum
Reserves.
My Family Is Calling For Your Urgent Assistance In Funding The Removal
Of The President Of The Republic Of Iraq And Acquiring The Petroleum
Assets Of His Country, As Compensation For The Costs Of Removing Him
From Power. Unfortunately, Our Partners From 1991 Are Not Willing To
Shoulder The Burden Of This New Venture, Which In Its Upcoming Phase
May
Cost The Sum Of 100 Billion To 200 Billion Dollars ($100,000,000,000 –
$200,000,000,000), Both In The Initial Acquisition And In Long-Term
Management.
Without The Funds From Our 1991 Partners, We Would Not Be Able To
Acquire The Oil Revenue Trapped Within Iraq. That Is Why My Family
And
Our Colleagues Are Urgently Seeking Your Gracious Assistance. Our
Distinguished Colleagues In This Business Transaction Include The
Sitting Vice-President Of The United States Of America, Richard
Cheney,
Who Is An Original Partner In The Iraq Venture And Former Head Of The
Halliburton Oil Company, And Condoleeza Rice, Whose Professional
Dedication To The Venture Was Demonstrated In The Naming Of A Chevron
Oil Tanker After Her.
I Would Beseech You To Transfer A Sum Equaling Ten To Twenty-Five
Percent (10-25 %) Of Your Yearly Income To Our Account To Aid In This
Important Venture. The Internal Revenue Service Of The United States
Of
America Will Function As Our Trusted Intermediary. I Propose That You
Make This Transfer Before The Fifteenth (15th) Of The Month Of April.
I Know That A Transaction Of This Magnitude Would Make Anyone
Apprehensive And Worried. But I Am Assuring You That All Will Be Well
At The End Of The Day. A Bold Step Taken Shall Not Be Regretted, I
Assure You. Please Do Be Informed That This Business Transaction Is
100% Legal. If You Do Not Wish To Co-Operate In This Transaction,
Please Contact Our Intermediary Representatives To Further Discuss The
Matter.
I Pray That You Understand Our Plight. My Family And Our Colleagues
Will Be Forever Grateful. Please Reply In Strict Confidence To The
Contact Numbers Below.
Sincerely With Warm Regards,
George Walker Bush
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov
Read these posts. Funny as hell. Do not attempt to drink anything while reading since you will snarf.
The pre Seeing Eye Cat Tale
Mischief last night
Think I ought to take the ‘seeing eye’ cat out again?
AR15.COM Forums – Final SEC trip. Wally World. LEOs called.
Brian was blogsurfing today and ran across my hosting rant – he offered to host me for free on his non-profit server, the Zyx.net Project, or for pay with the promise that I can yell at him personally if something’s wrong at the webhost he admins – WestHost.
I thought that was a really nice thing for him to do and wanted to give him some props, yo.
Here’s a forum where you can go to talk about Featureprice!
I signed up with Featureprice (sucks) last May, encouraged by their online helpdesk and 99.9% uptime guarantee. I had several outages and the 24 hour outage last weekend kicked off this saga. If I don’t get a refund, I will take them to small claims court – unless there’s a lawyer out there willing to take them on pro-bono. Or other Featureprice (sucks) people coming to this page from searching on “featureprice sucks” (there’ve been quite a few!) who want to look into a class action suit. It’s mindboggling how these people stay in business by treating their customers like 2 year olds.
Right now, before you read the rest of this post, call 1-800-214-8829 and listen to the tech support message. It really sets the tone for their attitude towards paying customers. Don’t worry – there is no danger of talking to a live person. Instead you’ll get the three minute message about how incompetent you are for not reading your manual and having to call tech support.
Timeline:
Saturday, 1/18:
My website had been down all day, following a previous outage on the 12th (with a previous helpdesk ticket that hadn’t gotten answered).
7:30 pm email to Featureprice (sucks) support:
www.addlepated.net is down again. Mail’s working fine. I don’t think that the last ticket, a few days ago, on this same issue was ever closed. Can you please tell me what the problem is and when it will be completely fixed? Thanks.
Sunday 1/19:
1:00am email to Featureprice (sucks) support:
I don’t know what Featureprice’s problem is, and I don’t care, really. All I know is that I’ve had site issues since 1/12 with no resolution, and I just spent three minutes on hold for tech support listening to a really condescending message implying that nobody who calls that number has a legitimate reason to do so. I am totally fed up. I pay $25 a month for web hosting, a service which I cannot seem to receive reliably from you people. I’d suggest that you resolve my issue ASAFP.
To recap: www.addlepated.net is down again. Fix it, tell me why it was broken, and assure me it won’t happen again. Tonight.
I receive autoresponses for these emails at 10:46 PM and 11:56 PM on 1/19, respectively.
Approximately midnight I sign up with another hosting provider.
Wednesday, 1/22:
9:04am Response from Featureprice (sucks):
Hello Sir,
We have checked your site “www.addlepated.net” and it is up and working
fine.
Your domains DNS entries are not changed to our name servers.
So please change your name servers entries to our name servers.
If you face any problem or need more information please feel free to
contact us.
Thank you.
9:14am response to second trouble ticket:
Hello Sir,
Your domains DNS entries are not changed to our name servers.
So please change your name servers entries to our name servers.
If you face any problem or need more information please feel free to
contact us.
Thank you.
1:23pm my response:
I know they’re not changed to your DNS servers. That’s because after over 24 hours of downtime and no response from Featureprice, I’m leaving for a server that offers connectivity, not crap. Do you realize that I sent this problem in on SUNDAY and it is now a WEDNESDAY and you’re JUST NOW getting around to checking it?
Are you going to refund me my prorated fees for the rest of the year, or do we need to go through the long and drawn out process of gaining a charge-back from my credit card company? I understand (from http://www.yourhostsucks , a veritable plethora of information on how lousy Featureprice’s “services” are) that many others have done so in the past with very good success. I figure your company owes me at least $75 for the months I will not be using it, not to mention you’ve breached your 99.9% “uptime guarantee” per year. I’d had far more than 3.65 days worth of downtime with Featureprice. Check tickets 40707, 40941, 66698, 81409, 82496, 107760, 1079, and 1445. How do you plan to keep your “guarantee”?
Sincerely,
MRS. D. Cook
not “Hello Sir”
Friday, 1/24
11:07am response from Featureprice (sucks)
Subject: [FeaturePrice #1445] Status Changed to:FREE BASIC SUPPORT dead
===========ATTENTION!!!==================
YOU ARE ALLOWED ONE TICKET PER DAY, YOU MAY ASK AS MANY QUESTIONS
AS YOU WOULD LIKE, BUT YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ONE TICKET. BE WISE WITH
THE USAGE OF TICKET AND QUESTIONS YOU ASK, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU
WANT AND NEED TO ASK OR HAVE ASSISTANCE IN AND SEND OFF ONE TICKET
AS ALL ADDITIONAL TICKETS WILL BE REMOVED FOR THAT DAY.
Live Chat Services: http://livechat.featureprice.com
/\***READ YOUR USER MANUAL ALWAYS***/\
/\***ALL ANSWERS ARE LOCATED IN THERE***/\
/\***THAT IS WHAT WE USE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS***/\
NEXT, YOU ARE NOT GUARANTEED A TURN AROUND TIME ON BASIC FREE SUPPORT
IF YOU NEED A GUARANTEED TURN AROUND TIME YOU CAN PURCHASE A
PREMIUM PAID INCIDENT SUPPORT AT HTTP://STORE.FEATUREPRICE.COM
PREMIUM PAID SUPPORT IS GUARANTEED 1HR TURN AROUND
PHONE SUPPORT:
YOU MAY ONLY CALL SUPPORT IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED A RESPONSE TO THIS
TICKET, YOU MAY NOT CALL IF YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED A RESPONSE.
YOU WILL NEED THIS TICKET NUMBER WHEN CALLING SO KEEP A COPY OF THIS
TICKET NUMBER.
4:46pm my response:
> ===========ATTENTION!!!==================
YELLING IS RUDE!
> YOU ARE ALLOWED ONE TICKET PER DAY, YOU MAY ASK AS MANY QUESTIONS
> AS YOU WOULD LIKE, BUT YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ONE TICKET.
IS THIS WHAT THE “(12 months of Prefered Priority support *)
Special TOLL FREE 800 Number **ONLY** for Platnium Clients” ON YOUR ACCOUNT SIGNUP REFERS TO? ONE WHOLE TICKET A DAY! WOOHOO! YIPPEE! YAY! I HATE TO THINK WHAT THE MINI PLAN GETS! ONE A YEAR?
> BE WISE WITH
> THE USAGE OF TICKET AND QUESTIONS YOU ASK, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU
> WANT AND NEED TO ASK OR HAVE ASSISTANCE IN AND SEND OFF ONE TICKET
> AS ALL ADDITIONAL TICKETS WILL BE REMOVED FOR THAT DAY.
> Live Chat Services: http://livechat.featureprice.com
> /\***READ YOUR USER MANUAL ALWAYS***/\
IT SAYS TO GO TO HELPDESK.FEATUREPRICE.COM WHICH DOESN’T WORK. IF SOMEONE FROM FEATUREPRICE TELLS ME TO READ MY MAUNAL AGAIN THERE’S GOING TO BE A PROBLEM.
> /\***ALL ANSWERS ARE LOCATED IN THERE***/\
LIKE “WHAT DO I DO IF MY HOST SUCKS?” NOPE, CHECKED IT, NOT THERE.
> /\***THAT IS WHAT WE USE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS***/\
LIKE “WHAT DO I DO IF MY HOST SUCKS?” NOPE, CHECKED IT, NOT THERE. YOUR WEBSITE DOES SAY “On this page you can learn more about the fact why your website will have an uptime of 99.9% – no more stress – a relief from all your hosting headaches. ”
YOU’RE RIGHT. YOU’RE NOT A HEADACHE, YOU’RE A FREAKING MIGRAINE.
> NEXT, YOU ARE NOT GUARANTEED A TURN AROUND TIME ON BASIC FREE SUPPORT
HEY, CLEAR THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS. I’M A PLATINUM CUSTOMER. I’M SUPPOSED TO HAVE “(12 months of Prefered Priority support *)
Special TOLL FREE 800 Number **ONLY** for Platnium Clients”
> IF YOU NEED A GUARANTEED TURN AROUND TIME YOU CAN PURCHASE A
> PREMIUM PAID INCIDENT SUPPORT AT HTTP://STORE.FEATUREPRICE.COM
LIKE I’M GOING TO SHELL OUT ANY MORE MONEY ON YOUR CRAP-ASS SERVICE. BESIDES, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE EVEN HEARD OF GETTING THAT, SINCE THERE’S A VAGUE REFERENCE TO IT AT YOUR NEW “HELP” PAGE BUT NO LINK.
> PREMIUM PAID SUPPORT IS GUARANTEED 1HR TURN AROUND
AND PLATINUM SUPPORT IS GUARANTEED 1 WEEK, RIGHT?
> PHONE SUPPORT:
> YOU MAY ONLY CALL SUPPORT IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED A RESPONSE TO THIS
> TICKET, YOU MAY NOT CALL IF YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED A RESPONSE.
> YOU WILL NEED THIS TICKET NUMBER WHEN CALLING SO KEEP A COPY OF THIS
> TICKET NUMBER.
> =============================================
> http://help.featureprice.com/rt/Ticket/Display.html?id=1445
MIND TELLING ME WHY MY LOGIN AND PASSWORD DON’T WORK THERE?
BY THE WAY, “*99.9% uptime assurance: We assure you that your website will be up and running at least 99.9% of the time of any 12-month period.”
MY WEBSITE WAS DOWN FOR 24 HOURS LAST WEEK. THAT MEANS THAT JUST WITH THIS INCIDENT, MY WEBSITE HAS AT THE MOST BEEN UP AND RUNNING 99.72603% OF THIS TWELVE MONTH PERIOD.
I WANT MY MONEY BACK. YOU HAVE VIOLATED YOUR GUARANTEE.
I’LL REPEAT IT SO IT’S CLEAR.
I WANT MY MONEY BACK. YOU HAVE VIOLATED YOUR GUARANTEE.
—
I like the part where they downgraded my service to “FREE BASIC SUPPORT”. Wonder if it’s because I wanted my money’s worth out of them and they got mad and took their toys and went home.
I said “screw it” to keeping on with trying to convert my previous Movable Type installation to the new server, and I vaped it, installed from scratch, and imported my old entries. I don’t know why I didn’t do that to begin with besides the face that I’m bullheaded.
If you see anything broken, please email me or leave a comment and let me know.
Coming up next: amusing exchanges between me and my former hosting company, Featureprice (sucks).
is this thing on?