Fresh, Hot Wastes of Time

An article I wrote for PromicinPower.com.

[IMAGE: A smiling woman handing out flyers on a busy sidewalk]

 

Take charge!

 

Helping out in the War Against the War Against Promicin is easy! Our main asset is information. Too many people are being educated about promicin by sensationalist politicians and media. To that end, here are some specific things that you can do to help people understand that promicin is beneficial, not evil:

 

• Talk to people about promicin! Talk to your family, your work mates, your teachers, your pastors, your neighbors – anyone. Find out what they know about promicin and gently and politely correct any misconceptions they have. Make sure they understand that nobody is ever forced to take it, and that promicin abilities have the potential to save enormous numbers of lives.

 

• Write letters! Let your congresspeople know that you oppose anti-promicin legislation. Here is a sample letter for you – be sure to add any personalization you like, and mail it in. Postal mail is much more effective than email.

 

Dear Representative or Senator X,

 

I am writing to you in concern for the proposed legislation that would ban the use of promicin, as well as promicin-related abilities. As you know, those who use promicin are blessed with extraordinary abilities. These abilities could save thousands or even millions of lives.

 

Although there is a risk involved with injecting promicin, I feel that I should be allowed the chance to make up my own mind and be able to take that risk in the hope of making a difference in the world. Prohibiting promicin is short-term thinking in a long-term situation. Denying us the latitude to take promicin is tantamount to denying us the pursuit of happiness. Please consider this when it comes time to vote down anti-promicin legislation.

 

Sincerely,
Your name

 

• Stage an event! A little attention goes a long way. Make some signs, grab some friends, and hit the streets. Include your best slogans and put “PromicinPower.com” if you would like. When people ask you about your demonstration, take that time to educate them about the benefits of promicin.

 

Suggested slogans:

– Promicin is a gift
– I’m pro-promicin and I vote
– Promicin: the world is watching
– Don’t let them steal our future: promicin
– Promicin: change the world
– Give promicin a chance
– Promicin to the people!

 

• Blog it! Let the world know in your words how important you think promicin is. Share your views on a social tagging or social networking site.

 

• Make flyers! We know how creative people can be. Draw up some flyers and hand them to people (but please don’t put them on cars or stuff – we think that’s littering).

 

• Contact the media! Write editorials to the newspaper. Call up talk radio. Make the media do its job of providing impartial coverage to the masses by giving them an articulate, well-educated pro-promicin viewpoint to air.

 

• Above all else! Be a productive and responsible human being. Don’t give the Antis any ammunition to use against us. Don’t let them bait you into being hostile or argumentative. Know that you’re on the right team and no matter what anyone else says to you, they can’t change that.

 

We’re in this together, so let’s make the most of it!

This was a little too edgy for the Battle Over Promicin campaign, but it was fun to write.

[IMAGE: An aerial view of a huge crowd in St. Peter’s Square overlaid with a syringe full of promicin]

 

The Vatican announced yesterday that it was suspending its canonization process due to increasing worries about the effects of promicin. Canonization, or the method by which people are declared saints, requires proof that the subject performed at least one miracle. Church officials say that the abilities granted by the neurotransmitter promicin are indistinguishable from actual, divinely-inspired miracles.

 

Although the announcement had been expected for some time, the global Roman Catholic community reacted to yesterday’s statement with reactions ranging from relief to anger. Many Catholics appear to be falling into two opposing camps regarding the promicin issue.

 

One faction agrees with the Vatican’s decision on both practical and theological grounds. “It says right in Matthew that false prophets will perform great signs and miracles to deceive the elect,” said Fr. Pepe Rivera from Mexico. “How can we tell if these promicin abilities should be considered sacred or profane? We cannot.”

 

Another faction disagrees with the dismissal of promicin by the church. “They have conveniently overlooked the fact that Jordan Collier died and came back to life,” says Fr. Giovanni Vanici of Italy. “Instead, they focus on this promicin. I am ashamed to say that I think the Holy Mother Church is afraid of what this could all mean.”

 

While debate rages, tens of thousands have gathered at Saint Peter’s Square at the Vatican to pray, protest, or get answers. The Swiss Guard, traditional protectors of Vatican City, has been hard-pressed to quell the occasional outbreaks of violence between the pro-promicin and anti-promicin Catholics.

 

The Pope issued a very brief statement this morning asking for “the Catholic flock to reflect and pray in this troubled time,” but no further announcements are expected. Two highly-placed Cardinals, on condition of anonymity, told the press that they feared a schism over the promicin issue was imminent.

 

Services in many local churches have been disrupted or canceled. While bishops attempt to work with their area churches to restore functionality, they ask that those planning to attend mass call ahead to verify there has been no schedule change.