Fresh, Hot Wastes of Time

Hub woke up feeling lousy this morning. Now the one year old is barfing and crapping everywhere, and I don’t feel so well myself.

URGENT ASSISTANCE – FROM USA

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED
HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

From: George Walker Bush
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I Am George Walker Bush, Son Of The Former President Of The United
States Of America George Herbert Walker Bush, And Currently Serving As
President Of The United States Of America. This Letter Might Surprise
You Because We Have Not Met Neither In Person Nor By Correspondence.
I
Came To Know Of You In My Search For A Reliable And Reputable Person
To
Handle A Very Confidential Business Transaction, Which Involves The
Transfer Of A Huge Sum Of Money To An Account Requiring Maximum
Confidence.

I Am Writing You In Absolute Confidence Primarily To Seek Your
Assistance In Acquiring Oil Funds That Are Presently Trapped In The
Republic Of Iraq. My Partners And I Solicit Your Assistance In
Completing A Transaction Begun By My Father, Who Has Long Been
Actively
Engaged In The Extraction Of Petroleum In The United States Of
America,
And Bravely Served His Country As Director Of The United States
Central
Intelligence Agency.

In The Decade Of The Nineteen-Eighties, My Father, Then Vice-President
Of The United States Of America, Sought To Work With The Good Offices
Of
The President Of The Republic Of Iraq To Regain Lost Oil Revenue
Sources
In The Neighboring Islamic Republic Of Iran. This Unsuccessful
Venture
Was Soon Followed By A Falling-Out With His Iraqi Partner, Who Sought
To
Acquire Additional Oil Revenue Sources In The Neighboring Emirate Of
Kuwait, A Wholly-Owned U.S.-British Subsidiary.

My Father Re-Secured The Petroleum Assets Of Kuwait In 1991 At A Cost
Of
Sixty-One Billion U.S. Dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out Of That Cost,
Thirty-Six Billion Dollars ($36,000,000,000) Were Supplied By His
Partners In The Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia And Other Persian Gulf
Monarchies, And Sixteen Billion Dollars ($16,000,000,000) By German
And
Japanese Partners. But My Father’s Former Iraqi Business Partner
Remained In Control Of The Republic Of Iraq And Its Petroleum
Reserves.

My Family Is Calling For Your Urgent Assistance In Funding The Removal
Of The President Of The Republic Of Iraq And Acquiring The Petroleum
Assets Of His Country, As Compensation For The Costs Of Removing Him
From Power. Unfortunately, Our Partners From 1991 Are Not Willing To
Shoulder The Burden Of This New Venture, Which In Its Upcoming Phase
May
Cost The Sum Of 100 Billion To 200 Billion Dollars ($100,000,000,000 –
$200,000,000,000), Both In The Initial Acquisition And In Long-Term
Management.

Without The Funds From Our 1991 Partners, We Would Not Be Able To
Acquire The Oil Revenue Trapped Within Iraq. That Is Why My Family
And
Our Colleagues Are Urgently Seeking Your Gracious Assistance. Our
Distinguished Colleagues In This Business Transaction Include The
Sitting Vice-President Of The United States Of America, Richard
Cheney,
Who Is An Original Partner In The Iraq Venture And Former Head Of The
Halliburton Oil Company, And Condoleeza Rice, Whose Professional
Dedication To The Venture Was Demonstrated In The Naming Of A Chevron
Oil Tanker After Her.

I Would Beseech You To Transfer A Sum Equaling Ten To Twenty-Five
Percent (10-25 %) Of Your Yearly Income To Our Account To Aid In This
Important Venture. The Internal Revenue Service Of The United States
Of
America Will Function As Our Trusted Intermediary. I Propose That You
Make This Transfer Before The Fifteenth (15th) Of The Month Of April.

I Know That A Transaction Of This Magnitude Would Make Anyone
Apprehensive And Worried. But I Am Assuring You That All Will Be Well
At The End Of The Day. A Bold Step Taken Shall Not Be Regretted, I
Assure You. Please Do Be Informed That This Business Transaction Is
100% Legal. If You Do Not Wish To Co-Operate In This Transaction,
Please Contact Our Intermediary Representatives To Further Discuss The
Matter.

I Pray That You Understand Our Plight. My Family And Our Colleagues
Will Be Forever Grateful. Please Reply In Strict Confidence To The
Contact Numbers Below.

Sincerely With Warm Regards,

George Walker Bush

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov

Sometimes the soundtrack to a movie, TV show, or piece of software can be just as important as the script. There are certain numbers that are hauntingly evocative of the scenes they underscore. Sometimes the music is recognized, sometimes not. I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve come up with quite a few music clips that I strongly associate with their visual half. Can you figure them out? I’ve put a little hint on each link. One of them is a joke a few of you should get.

Do you have it? Do you have it?
Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world…
If memory serves me right…
We mortals are but shadows and dust.
No one has ever known we were among you… until now.
Don’t make me angry.
Father, forgive them.
You daft prick.
I’m gonna be on television.
I could have done more.
Choose life.
I feel stronger.

If you’ve got an idea for a musical piece like this, email me directly (link’s in the top right corner) and I’ll try to do an entry every week or so with the compiled clips.

I found the most kickass bubbles at Walgreens. They have a ton of glycerin in them or something, and when you blow them they take a couple of seconds to set up, then harden and you can catch them in your hand. They also last forever, sometimes an hour or more after they’ve been blown.

Needless to say, this is a big hit with the kids, and one of the baby’s limited repertoire of words is “bubble” (along with no, ow, and stop – can you tell her sister picks on her?).

Ok, look. All you pregnant people just stay away. Don’t sneeze on me. I don’t want to catch it. I have three friends right now who are just a little bit pregnant. Do you realize how many quilts I have to make??

My three year old is now insisting on calling her little sister “Jim Bob” instead of “Caroline”. Kids are weird.

I ordered a TiVo today. If overnight shipping weren’t $50, I would have gotten it. As it was, ground shipping was free, even though I have to deal with UPS (which, by the way, sucks, as we all know).

I can’t wait!

Ok look, here’s the deal. Store-bought beef jerky costs around U.S. $25 per pound. Home-made is ridiculously simple and cheap. A dehydrator from Walmart is a one time cost of $40, or you can just use your oven. Three pounds of top round will yield about one pound of jerky, and will cost around $12 at the grocery store (and if you know a hunter or are one, just pop a cap in a deer for around $1 per bullet). The price for spices is negligible, and you probably have them in the house already. And store-bought jerky usually has nitrates or other preservatives in it. It’s insane to buy some when you can make it for half the price.

Mix all this stuff together to taste:

Worcestershire sauce (~2/3 c.)
soy sauce (~2/3 c.)
teriyaki sauce (~2/3 c.)
Liquid Smoke (~ 1 T.)
garlic powder (~ 1 T.)
kosher salt (~ 1 T.)
fresh ground black pepper (~ 1 T.)
onion powder (~ 1 T.)
red pepper flakes (~ 1 t.)

Slice thin top round beef, or bison, or venison, or emu, or turkey, or any other non-fatty meat. Keep thickness less than 1/4″.

Marinate the meat in the mixture overnight.

Put it in the dehydrator.

Check it after 3 hours or so. When it’s ready, it will crack instead of bend, and it will not appear at all moist. It probably won’t all cook at the same rate, so just take out pieces as they’re ready. Don’t immediately put them in a sealed bag, since the heat will cause condensation which will ruin the jerky.

Measurements are approximate – it’s your jerky; make it how you like it. If you want it sweeter, increase the proportion of Worcestershire. If you want it saltier, add more salt and soy sauce.

This has been Auntie Addlepated’s cooking lesson for the day. Perhaps later if you’re lucky I will give you the deep fried Twinkie recipe.

It’s a Southern thing.

The fire alarm went off at 4. The firemen came and couldn’t find anything wrong. Hub thinks we have rats. The baby’s all hepped up and refuses to sleep.

I got a hit on my site earlier for this:

in space no one can smell you pee

Uh.

Safari doesn’t display my site properly – there’s no image at the top. And it doesn’t support a post bookmarklet either. Bummer.