Fresh, Hot Wastes of Time

This just in, from the TMI department:

2 year old woke up dry from her nap yesterday. Peed in potty. Today she pooped in potty. Film at 11.

I have been having really vivid and somewhat disturbing dreams lately. I’m anxiously awaiting the anonymous blog so that I may contribute.

What the hell kind of self-respecting Lab refuses to eat eggs? I just had a divine egg salad sandwich with onions and bacon and cheese and I dropped a little on the floor, and the stupid dog licked all the goo off the egg particle and left the egg on the carpet. Idjit.

The weather’s going to change. My arm hurts. Hub was apparently jealous of my weather forecasting ability, so he twisted his knee a while back (and if I tell the story of how he does it, I’ll probably get a call from a divorce attorney tomorrow, but suffice it to say that it makes me laugh [secretly of course] each and every time I think of it) and now it aches when there’s a change in the weather. I think he’s a Johnny-come-lately copycat man, but there it is.

I finally got my charm bracelet!

When our first daughter was born, since her due date was mid-October and October’s birthstone is opal, he bought me an opal ring. Which explains why, when I had preterm labor in September, he freaked out. Anyway, when I was pregnant this last time, hub asked me what I wanted as a mommy gift because he couldn’t think of anything. I told him I wanted a gold charm bracelet. Due to all sorts of reasons, we never got around to picking one out until now. He bought it today at James Avery. I’m really grooving on it.

I wanted to add charms for each of my girls and I really wanted some of those Aaron Basha baby shoes, but I had absolutely no idea that they were that pricey. We’re talking $1000 for a charm, people. Criminy.

So now I’m scouring eBay looking for cool charms. I have to be very careful to build this collection slowly so that I’m not out of room on the bracelet in 10 years. This is going to be very hard for me to do since I’m the kind of person who likes to take big bites to enjoy things more, rather than little bites to enjoy them longer.

I already have my justification ready for when I overbuy charms. I have 2 girls, and they’re going to get my jewelry some day, so doesn’t that mean I need 2 charm bracelets?

My husband, God bless him, turned on some wretch of a movie called Vampirella, laid down on the floor, and fell asleep using the ass of a giant stuffed Elmo as a pillow. As I look on the floor in the office, I see Cuervo the hulking Labrador, the hub, and the 9 month old all zonked out. I have to wonder if the floor is more comfortable than it appears, or if perhaps the carpet has some sort of sleep dust imbedded in it. Or maybe it’s that normal people sleep at this hour, while I myself am wide awake due to the 2 hour nap I took at 6 pm. Not the brightest thing I’ve done, to be sure. I am destined for insomnia all night long.

Ever since I was little I have been a night owl. I don’t know if it’s because my mom was, so I picked up her habits, or whether it’s just the way I’m wired. On occasion I’m able to get up early and have a full day and go to sleep at a normal hour – my honeymoon in Costa Rica comes to mind, where we were up every morning at 7 and in bed at midnight. Usually though, if I do wake up early, I still go to bed late.

There’s a hot fudge pudding cake upstairs with my name on it.

Titties and beer.

I had the strangest dream that Hillary Clinton was at the mall wearing jeans and deliberately left them at half mast to call attention to herself. Someone told me it was just an accident, and I insisted it was on purpose and showed just how conniving she could be, because if she left the zipper all the way down someone would be sure to tell her, so she left it halfway down because it would get attention, but if anyone stared too long she could call them a pervert.

I also had a dream that I was friends with Selma Hayek and she set out to kill Nicholae Carpathia through some vampire powers. We were in New Orleans staying on a hotel on top of Antoines, and had something like ten million dollars in cash and a bunch of guns in the hotel room. I called down to the concierge to make us a dinner reservation at 8 for my birthday that evening.

I had a pet buzzard in the room named Bobby that my two year old pulled off his wings and killed. We’d been feeding him dog food and trash. He smelled but I loved him.

We had to stash the cash and guns because we were going down to dinner, so hub put it behind an armoire and piled pillows on the sides. I grabbed two huge wads of cash and stuffed them in either side of my bra. Out the window we saw Carpathia and we barely missed seeing him in the restaurant. We ended up calling an uneasy truce with him after he killed Selma’s vampire friend.

Then the war between good and evil was over and we went to church, where the people were acting like nothing happened.

I really need to stop reading those silly Left Behind books before bed.

I had a dream last night that I took the baby over to a friend’s house. The friend had a rat infestation and there was rat poo everywhere. The baby got bit by an elusive and very rare caffeinesnake, and I tried to access their computer to find out what to do about it but I couldn’t go into that area of their living room unless someone beeped me in on their FBI box. There was a special sort of grey Glock sitting next to the computer that was more like a laser gun than a bullet gun.

Never did find out what to do with the caffeinesnake bite.

Oh, I forgot to mention. I find this sculpture very, very disturbing. “Well-loved kitty” indeed. You know what else is scary? It’s on backorder… and they want $60 for it.

I weep for the future.

I’m famous! My blog has been reviewed by The Weblog Review.
Good thing we have the CHimPs out there to protect us from the marauding cows.

I had strange, disturbing dreams all night but I can’t remember what about. I do know that night before last I had a dream about a machine that would toast Braille into bread.

I am so excited to find that American Gladiators is on TNN right now. I used to watch this show faithfully, even buying the Nintendo game.

Strange searches lately:

€ cinderella porn
€ pakistani nude girls

I guess it takes all kinds.

Playgroup today, so there won’t be many updates. Guess you’re going to have to find something else to do.

There’s something foul brewing. Something having to do with girdles.

I wore girdles occasionally when donning fancy dresses, and found them to be horribly uncomfortable, hot, constricting, and generally awful. My mom said she wore girdles when she was pregnant with me and swore she’d never wear them again after giving birth. I decided the same thing. Hell, I don’t even wear control top pantyhose anymore. I’m tired of trying to squeeze myself into someone else’s perceptions of how I should look.

But I digress. This girdle thing is really starting to scare me. In the past two days, I’ve gotten hits on my blog for:

€ retro porn girdles – #1 result
€ “men in girdles” – #8 result
€ “men in girdles” – another one, #8 again
€ men in girdles – #25 or so

Now it looks like most searches are looking for guys in girdles, which is fine with me. I just want it known cateorically that I refuse to don a girdle, even if they are the fashion trend of the 00’s.