Promicin at the Vatican – The Battle Over Promicin

August 14, 2011 - 8:17 pm Comments Off on Promicin at the Vatican – The Battle Over Promicin

This was a little too edgy for the Battle Over Promicin campaign, but it was fun to write.

[IMAGE: An aerial view of a huge crowd in St. Peter’s Square overlaid with a syringe full of promicin]


The Vatican announced yesterday that it was suspending its canonization process due to increasing worries about the effects of promicin. Canonization, or the method by which people are declared saints, requires proof that the subject performed at least one miracle. Church officials say that the abilities granted by the neurotransmitter promicin are indistinguishable from actual, divinely-inspired miracles.


Although the announcement had been expected for some time, the global Roman Catholic community reacted to yesterday’s statement with reactions ranging from relief to anger. Many Catholics appear to be falling into two opposing camps regarding the promicin issue.


One faction agrees with the Vatican’s decision on both practical and theological grounds. “It says right in Matthew that false prophets will perform great signs and miracles to deceive the elect,” said Fr. Pepe Rivera from Mexico. “How can we tell if these promicin abilities should be considered sacred or profane? We cannot.”


Another faction disagrees with the dismissal of promicin by the church. “They have conveniently overlooked the fact that Jordan Collier died and came back to life,” says Fr. Giovanni Vanici of Italy. “Instead, they focus on this promicin. I am ashamed to say that I think the Holy Mother Church is afraid of what this could all mean.”


While debate rages, tens of thousands have gathered at Saint Peter’s Square at the Vatican to pray, protest, or get answers. The Swiss Guard, traditional protectors of Vatican City, has been hard-pressed to quell the occasional outbreaks of violence between the pro-promicin and anti-promicin Catholics.


The Pope issued a very brief statement this morning asking for “the Catholic flock to reflect and pray in this troubled time,” but no further announcements are expected. Two highly-placed Cardinals, on condition of anonymity, told the press that they feared a schism over the promicin issue was imminent.


Services in many local churches have been disrupted or canceled. While bishops attempt to work with their area churches to restore functionality, they ask that those planning to attend mass call ahead to verify there has been no schedule change.

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