Fresh, Hot Wastes of Time

CONVERSATION ON A BRIDGE
by Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well… are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said, “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

He said, “Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

The mission:

Search on the Google Images search engine for an ordinary, everyday word. One that can be found in a dictionary. Come up with the most non-sequitur images that you can find.

For example, a search on “suspenders” comes up with this leg, these German WWII ammo pouches, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Interesting.

I went to the gym today to pay pennance for my ooey-gooey brownie and ice cream that I ate last night. Someone had left their keys on the floor next to the treadmill I was using. About 30 minutes into my walk, an exceedingly sweaty lady bent down to get them. Imagine my dismay when I realized that she had left an enormous puddle of sweat all over the right side of my treadmill.

Nastipated. Good thing for her I didn’t slip.

Speaking of penance, I went to church this morning for the first time in forever. It was nice. I think I may do it more often.

The HisTory of Michael Jackson’s face
Hangman from hell.

We’re test-driving churches. This is probably the one we’re going to join. Check out number two on the list.

I like them.

Why we should attack Iraq.
Top Christian pickup lines.
NRA Kids!
Posters for good Americans.
Stuff that has been sold in vending machines.
Rockem Sockem Rabbis.
The Healthy Penis 2002 campaign.
Extreme Elvis.
“Bleeding baby in the hand of Jesus with blood drops at His feet”
Chipmunks with addiction issues.
Wow.

Irregular Inanity (Second Edition)

1. You’re at a restaurant with a friend, and he is in the restroom when the food arrives. There are french fries on his plate (or something else that you like). Do you take some before he comes back? If so, do you tell him?
Of course I take some. I’m always on the prowl for the perfect French fry (much like Carrie Bradshaw). And I will let said friend know if the fried are worth eating or not.

2. That "I’ll have what she’s having" line from When Harry Met Sally: Inspired or tired? Sublime or asinine?
Tired, not to mention asinine. It always makes me uncomfortable. Us Southerners are raised not to cause a fuss in public.

3. You break it, you buy it? – or – You break it, you run away?
Depends on how much it costs – if it’s a $0.99 barrette from Walmart, run away. If it’s a $99 vase from Poverty Barn, own up.

4. Which sucks the most: emptying the dishwasher; putting away the groceries; folding the laundry?
They all suck, but folding laundry the most. Unless it’s towels, or a really cold day and I can dive into the warm fresh smelling pile of clean clothes.

5. Anna Nicole Smith: "I still say the overinflated harlot has a pretty face" or "Face?"
She still has a pretty face when she takes the eighty-eleven layers of makeup on. All that crap makes her look older than Tammy Faye.

6. You wake up before your "significant other" and see that the dog/cat/baby did his "business" in the middle of the living room floor. Do you sneak back into bed and pretend you didn’t see it, knowing that your S.O. will be up in five minutes and thus take care of it?
Oh yah, youbetcha, do it all the damn time.

7. Jan or Marcia?
Marcia. Hate whiners.

8. Cake: Eat with your hands or with a fork? (And don’t tell me you don’t eat cake, or I’ll have to toss you in a windowless, dank basement along with the people who say they don’t ever watch TV.)
Fingers are preferred, but sometimes one must eat with a fork. It would probably look bad to go to town with my fingers on a piece of Chocolate Intemperance from Jeffrey’s.

9. Name one article of clothing that you cannot live without and one you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing.
I can’t live without satin boxer shorts to sleep in. They keep the sheets from bunching up underneath me when I turn over. There are too many items to name that I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing – like bellbottoms (or even bootcut jeans, if I’m not actually wearing boots). I’m such an 80s weenie.

10. Caffeine: friend or foe?
Caffeine good.

11. Raisin Bran as a snack: Eat whatever comes out of the box, or root around for more raisins?
Probably whatever comes out of the box.

12. What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen from work? (If you think you’ve never taken anything, then where the hell did you get that nice Razorpoint pen with the company logo that you keep in the kitchen junk drawer?)
I inadvertently stole a magnetic car sign from my last work. Since hub and I own our own business now, it’s a moot point.

There’s child abuse going on in this house. As in, I’m being abused by a child. An 11 month old. She smears up my glasses. When she’s mad she hits me. She gets on my lap and proceeds to wiggle, grab at stuff on my desk, and complain until I put her down, at which point she cries. She headbutts me. She likes to bite my clothes but sometimes she misses and bites me instead. She’s broken the skin twice doing this. When she wants attention she smacks at me and hollers. She pulls my hair.

Enter hub. He picks her up off the floor, where I’ve put her because I’m tired of being beaten up. She then proceeds to sit quietly in his lap, occasionally gently bouncing or quietly waving bye-bye.

And this always happens. Why does she like to kick my ass? I so completely don’t understand.

This morning she woke up around 7 to eat. 7 is much too early to wake up. Only weirdos wake up at that indecent hour. I fed her and crossed my fingers that she’d snuggle up to me and fall asleep. Well, she bopped around the bed for a while, quietly muttering, then crawled on top of my pillow (I have one of those extra firm tall space foam pillows), wrapped herself around my head, and fell asleep. I think she was a cat in a former life. Then she rolled over and fell off the pillow with a loud thud and it didn’t phase her a bit. She just kept quietly snoring those tiny baby snores.

She’s adorable.