Fresh, Hot Wastes of Time

We sent the kids to visit their grandparents this weekend. I’m not used to having all this time to myself. Tonight we went to the old house and started to clean out the last room with crap in it, and we were attacked by 5 foot long killer cockroaches.

For those of you who don’t live where there are real cockroaches, know that Southern roaches tend to be rather big. Like, averaging 2 inches long. 2 inches, people. That’s as long as the first 2 joints of your index finger. They are red, they are huge, they are quick, they can fly at you when cornered, they get into everything, and I have a horrible, irrational fear of them. Nothing can turn me into a stereotypical housewife screaming and standing on a kitchen chair quicker than a cockroach can. And I absolutely refuse to kill them, because they… crunch. And curdled yellow goo comes out.

Spiders? Fine. June bugs? Sure. Locusts? Used to keep them as pets when I was a kid. But roaches send me into the red every time.

We set off 11 fumigators in the house and left. Since I’ve only had one meal today (McDonald’s, how healthy) I thought I’d come home and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The real kind, on bread. Only when I walked into the living room, I noticed that A) the brown sugar box that had previously been on the counter in the kitchen was now in the middle of the living room rug and B) the dog looked really sheepish. This can mean nothing good. In the kitchen, I saw that the previously full loaf of bread was now nothing but a few scattered shards of plastic wrapper. That fucking dog had eaten an entire loaf of bread.

I wasn’t too hard on him, since we didn’t get home until midnight and he’s used to eating at 10. Hub took off his belt and came bolting up the stairs when I told him what happened, but I intervened and he settled (under protest) for giving the dog a second serious scolding, including reminding the dog that hub had recently acquired a new gun that he needs to try out.

So much for my PB&J. Guess it’s leftover Chinese food for me.

Today’s This or That Thursday:

1. Dr. Seuss characters: the Cat in the Hat or the Grinch?
When I was growing up, it was the Cat, but now that I’m older I’ve found the appeal of the Grinch.

2. "Anne of Green Gables" or "Little Women"?
Hm, same thing here. I read all the Anne books as a kid and loved them, but then as an adult I read and loved Little Women.

3. Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys?
Nancy Drew all the way, baby! I probably owned 75 of these at one point or another. Nancy’s Titian hair and roadster will always have a special place in my heart.

4. Winnie the Pooh characters: Tigger or Eeyore?
Tigger. I gave up the goth pessimist stuff 10 years ago.

5. Which author: Judy Blume or Beverly Cleary?
Judy Blume. Who can forget Ralph?

6. Roald Dahl books: "Charlie & the Chocolate Factory" (Willy Wonka) or "James & the Giant Peach"?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, since I haven’t read James and the Giant Peach (or seen the movie, even).

7. "Harry Potter" or "The Wizard of Oz"?
The Oz books are so classic that it’s hard to put anything above them, but I’ve found myself reading Harry Potter more often.

8. Curious George or Madeline?
Curious George, because I am too.

9. "A Wrinkle in Time" or "Little House on the Prairie"?
Wrinkle in Time! And Wind in the Door and Swiftly Tilting Plant, and the Narnia books, and the Dark is Rising series, and and and…

10. Dr. Seuss again: "Horton Hears a Who" or "The Lorax"?
Oh, the Lorax of course. I made Dad read that to me every night.

I’m having oatmeal for breakfast, so I decided to check it out.

I ordered some clothes online a couple of months ago but they were too small. I never got around to returning them (I’m going to join that procrastinator’s club… tomorrow) but I popped on a pair of shorts from that batch this morning and they fit now. w00t!

CONVERSATION ON A BRIDGE
by Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well… are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said, “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

He said, “Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”

I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

We’re test-driving churches. This is probably the one we’re going to join. Check out number two on the list.

I like them.

Irregular Inanity (Second Edition)

1. You’re at a restaurant with a friend, and he is in the restroom when the food arrives. There are french fries on his plate (or something else that you like). Do you take some before he comes back? If so, do you tell him?
Of course I take some. I’m always on the prowl for the perfect French fry (much like Carrie Bradshaw). And I will let said friend know if the fried are worth eating or not.

2. That "I’ll have what she’s having" line from When Harry Met Sally: Inspired or tired? Sublime or asinine?
Tired, not to mention asinine. It always makes me uncomfortable. Us Southerners are raised not to cause a fuss in public.

3. You break it, you buy it? – or – You break it, you run away?
Depends on how much it costs – if it’s a $0.99 barrette from Walmart, run away. If it’s a $99 vase from Poverty Barn, own up.

4. Which sucks the most: emptying the dishwasher; putting away the groceries; folding the laundry?
They all suck, but folding laundry the most. Unless it’s towels, or a really cold day and I can dive into the warm fresh smelling pile of clean clothes.

5. Anna Nicole Smith: "I still say the overinflated harlot has a pretty face" or "Face?"
She still has a pretty face when she takes the eighty-eleven layers of makeup on. All that crap makes her look older than Tammy Faye.

6. You wake up before your "significant other" and see that the dog/cat/baby did his "business" in the middle of the living room floor. Do you sneak back into bed and pretend you didn’t see it, knowing that your S.O. will be up in five minutes and thus take care of it?
Oh yah, youbetcha, do it all the damn time.

7. Jan or Marcia?
Marcia. Hate whiners.

8. Cake: Eat with your hands or with a fork? (And don’t tell me you don’t eat cake, or I’ll have to toss you in a windowless, dank basement along with the people who say they don’t ever watch TV.)
Fingers are preferred, but sometimes one must eat with a fork. It would probably look bad to go to town with my fingers on a piece of Chocolate Intemperance from Jeffrey’s.

9. Name one article of clothing that you cannot live without and one you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing.
I can’t live without satin boxer shorts to sleep in. They keep the sheets from bunching up underneath me when I turn over. There are too many items to name that I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing – like bellbottoms (or even bootcut jeans, if I’m not actually wearing boots). I’m such an 80s weenie.

10. Caffeine: friend or foe?
Caffeine good.

11. Raisin Bran as a snack: Eat whatever comes out of the box, or root around for more raisins?
Probably whatever comes out of the box.

12. What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen from work? (If you think you’ve never taken anything, then where the hell did you get that nice Razorpoint pen with the company logo that you keep in the kitchen junk drawer?)
I inadvertently stole a magnetic car sign from my last work. Since hub and I own our own business now, it’s a moot point.

I’m thinking about getting Gevalia coffee. Anyone ever tried it? Love it? Hate it?

I’ve lost 7.5 pounds since starting at the gym two weeks ago.