Why we should attack Iraq.
Top Christian pickup lines.
NRA Kids!
Posters for good Americans.
Stuff that has been sold in vending machines.
Rockem Sockem Rabbis.
The Healthy Penis 2002 campaign.
Extreme Elvis.
“Bleeding baby in the hand of Jesus with blood drops at His feet”
Chipmunks with addiction issues.
Wow.
Irregular Inanity (Second Edition)
1. You’re at a restaurant with a friend, and he is in the restroom when the food arrives. There are french fries on his plate (or something else that you like). Do you take some before he comes back? If so, do you tell him?
Of course I take some. I’m always on the prowl for the perfect French fry (much like Carrie Bradshaw). And I will let said friend know if the fried are worth eating or not.
2. That "I’ll have what she’s having" line from When Harry Met Sally: Inspired or tired? Sublime or asinine?
Tired, not to mention asinine. It always makes me uncomfortable. Us Southerners are raised not to cause a fuss in public.
3. You break it, you buy it? – or – You break it, you run away?
Depends on how much it costs – if it’s a $0.99 barrette from Walmart, run away. If it’s a $99 vase from Poverty Barn, own up.
4. Which sucks the most: emptying the dishwasher; putting away the groceries; folding the laundry?
They all suck, but folding laundry the most. Unless it’s towels, or a really cold day and I can dive into the warm fresh smelling pile of clean clothes.
5. Anna Nicole Smith: "I still say the overinflated harlot has a pretty face" or "Face?"
She still has a pretty face when she takes the eighty-eleven layers of makeup on. All that crap makes her look older than Tammy Faye.
6. You wake up before your "significant other" and see that the dog/cat/baby did his "business" in the middle of the living room floor. Do you sneak back into bed and pretend you didn’t see it, knowing that your S.O. will be up in five minutes and thus take care of it?
Oh yah, youbetcha, do it all the damn time.
7. Jan or Marcia?
Marcia. Hate whiners.
8. Cake: Eat with your hands or with a fork? (And don’t tell me you don’t eat cake, or I’ll have to toss you in a windowless, dank basement along with the people who say they don’t ever watch TV.)
Fingers are preferred, but sometimes one must eat with a fork. It would probably look bad to go to town with my fingers on a piece of Chocolate Intemperance from Jeffrey’s.
9. Name one article of clothing that you cannot live without and one you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing.
I can’t live without satin boxer shorts to sleep in. They keep the sheets from bunching up underneath me when I turn over. There are too many items to name that I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing – like bellbottoms (or even bootcut jeans, if I’m not actually wearing boots). I’m such an 80s weenie.
10. Caffeine: friend or foe?
Caffeine good.
11. Raisin Bran as a snack: Eat whatever comes out of the box, or root around for more raisins?
Probably whatever comes out of the box.
12. What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen from work? (If you think you’ve never taken anything, then where the hell did you get that nice Razorpoint pen with the company logo that you keep in the kitchen junk drawer?)
I inadvertently stole a magnetic car sign from my last work. Since hub and I own our own business now, it’s a moot point.
There’s child abuse going on in this house. As in, I’m being abused by a child. An 11 month old. She smears up my glasses. When she’s mad she hits me. She gets on my lap and proceeds to wiggle, grab at stuff on my desk, and complain until I put her down, at which point she cries. She headbutts me. She likes to bite my clothes but sometimes she misses and bites me instead. She’s broken the skin twice doing this. When she wants attention she smacks at me and hollers. She pulls my hair.
Enter hub. He picks her up off the floor, where I’ve put her because I’m tired of being beaten up. She then proceeds to sit quietly in his lap, occasionally gently bouncing or quietly waving bye-bye.
And this always happens. Why does she like to kick my ass? I so completely don’t understand.
This morning she woke up around 7 to eat. 7 is much too early to wake up. Only weirdos wake up at that indecent hour. I fed her and crossed my fingers that she’d snuggle up to me and fall asleep. Well, she bopped around the bed for a while, quietly muttering, then crawled on top of my pillow (I have one of those extra firm tall space foam pillows), wrapped herself around my head, and fell asleep. I think she was a cat in a former life. Then she rolled over and fell off the pillow with a loud thud and it didn’t phase her a bit. She just kept quietly snoring those tiny baby snores.
She’s adorable.
See hot summer love, asian, amateur, hardcore, toys, and more!
Crunch 2000 Census numbers, be the coolest kid on your block.
Use Movable Type? Take the survey.
It’s not that disturbing, that a man got a barnacle on his penis. No, what’s disturbing is how they got it off.
It is at this point that I need to discuss my mailman (or as they say on Sesame Street, “Letter Carrier”).
Our postwoman at our old house was really nice. She’d leave us little notes in our box and would come over to chat if she saw us out. She’d sort our mail so the big stuff like catalogs was on bottom and the little stuff was on top, so it was easy to retrieve from the box. I baked her cookies. We miss her.
When we moved here, the mailman came and introduced himself to us and he seemed very nice as well.
Then he got replaced.
The new mailman is deaf and mute (or, as they say on Sesame Street, “Hearing and Speech Impaired”). That’s fine, no big deal. The problem is that he’s rude as well. He left us a curt note telling us not to park in front of our mailbox, which coincidentally is right in front of our house. So we don’t park in front of our own house anymore. Once I had a friend come over and she tried to park there. Just as she was getting out of the car, the mailman came and honked prolongedly at her to make her move. From in front of our house. So she had to pull up away from the sidewalk and wrestle her baby through the grass.
The mailman also doesn’t make eye contact. That’s all very well and good, except he is deaf and doesn’t know what we’re saying if he doesn’t look at us. I made him look at me the other day, because I had learned how to say “thank you” in ASL, so I kept his pen hostage until he saw me.
When he delivers packages, he doesn’t bring the mail, too.
Those were all minor annoyances, really, but added up they really pissed me off. Then today I got a package. Instead of leaving it on top of the mailbox so that it’s easily stealable, he put it in the grass behind the mailbox. And the sprinkler system came on.
Luckily the only thing inside that got wet was the invoice, but I’m still pissed. He just seems like he doesn’t want to do things right. I wonder what USPS policy on packages is? If I call to complain, am I going to get accused of discrimination?
About that package – M.S. bought me stuff off my wishlist. What a cutie. Amazon didn’t put a gift card in with it though, but her name and address were in the invoice. I’m glad I found that part out, because I don’t want my address going out to Blogistan. Wonder how I can circumvent it?
I’m thinking about getting Gevalia coffee. Anyone ever tried it? Love it? Hate it?
Hey you. Yeah, you over there. The guy who’s lifting a weight so heavy that he’s grunting like a constipated Monica Seles. You’re being loud. Perhaps you should try a smaller weight.
Oh, and you have manboobs.
